The Vital Dating Tips for Guys

In a new relationship with a woman who already has kids, be careful not to overstep your mark.

If your partner is a widow you have to tread very carefully and avoid any indication that you are trying to replace the children's father. At all costs avoid acting in a way that suggests you feel you even have the same authority as the children's father had over them. Also do not take offense if they are standoffish toward you - they may be unsure if you are going to be around for awhile or if you are just a 'flash in the pan' per se.

It may be a temptation to try to get information from the children, particularly on how many men have come and gone since their biological father - any such inquiry will find its way back to the mother and make you look bad on several levels. Namely, using children as your personal spies as well as basically asking if the mother is promiscuous.

Also kids may see you as taking their mother's attention away from them. Emphasize to the little darlings that you want to make their mother happy and would like it if you could be friends. So long as you try to establish yourself as a friend to them: you have some hope. Similarly if they are old enough, then do not patronize them or assume that they do not realize that you are in an adult relationship with their mother.

On the different track you have to be wary if the kid’s father is still in the picture following a divorce or separation. First and foremost you will be subject to real time comparison to their real father - what car you drive, how generous you are, you name it. Also the father will no doubt be asking his kids about you. An extra note of caution is that you have to be aware that anything you happen to say or do around the kids may well be passed on to the father. This means you have to avoid making any criticisms of the father in front of the children - even if the criticisms are entirely justified.

Kids are profoundly worse at keeping secrets than adults; therefore, do not think that for one second you can say "now don’t go telling your dad that I said that about him" as chances are that will only encourage them to tell him, or they will be so secretive around the father that he will interrogate them about it until they do tell him. Bad mouthing the father will only serve to alienate him and his kids too.

As your relationship with the mother is in many ways an audition to see whether you would make a decent stepdad you want to have a good rapport with the kids. Failing to do this is pretty much a deal breaker.

In short, in a relationship with a woman with kids you have more than one person you have to win over. Far more care and diplomacy is required than in a regular relationship. Have no illusions that the relationship you are entering into is not as simple or footloose as 'boy meets girl' but can nonetheless be as fulfilling, or even more fulfilling with a bit of effort. In an ideal world your new partner’s kids can be good friends to you and even serve as loyal supporters of yours to their mother - which can only serve to help your relationship thrive.

An article composed by Richard Ford